| "you never know how much someone means to you until they're gone." if only everyone understood how true that is. i admit that sometimes i can tend to take my friends and family for granted, but i'm also not so naive that i don't understand that it can only take one mistake and the next and last time i see them is in a casket.
being nice is over rated and when you're nice people tend to take you for everything you have. but i'd rather have that happen then say i hate someone and never be able to see them alive again.
last night was very traumatic for me. i talked to my ex cory and when he comes home on sunday he wants to talk. okay, well we started talking about other things. he finally broke down and told me he doesn't want to be in bootcamp. in fact he hates it there so much. he should've never gone and he's scared to death.
before cory ever left i tried my best to defend him and keep him from harm. someone wanted to beat his ass i'd tell them to back the fuck off. something were to go wrong i'd do my best to comfort and console him. but now i can't. i can't be there to hug him when he cries or whipe his tears away. now i can't sit there and take his hand and go for a walk to just get away from everything. the only thing i can do is talk to him on the phone and tell him to calm down and it'll be alright when we both know damn well it's not okay.
before he left i was able to call him and he'd come down and give me a hug and we'd sit and talk and play in the rain, beat eachother with sticks while listening to some corny ass old saliva or whatever happened to be in the CD player. now i can't do these things anymore. cory's seriously one of my bestfriends. i never wanted to admit it cause he hurt me and by all rights i should hate him so much, but i don't, and i can't hate him. he's always been there for me. he's always...he's always loved me. i can say anything or do anything to get that guy to laugh and it's the same for me.
now there's a possibility that after this the next time i see him is when he's in a casket. i can't deal with losing my first and only love, not to mention one of my best friends. it's so hard. esp. when he doesn't want to be there and we both hate the war so much and we're against it. i never even imagined having to worry about his safety when he's a million miles away. and now i have to.
he told me he wants to spend as much time with me as he can. he wants to spend as much time as he can with everyone. he never wants to forget us or what we've done for him. i know i'll never forget, i'll never regret, and i'll never move on. sure it helps to have ivy. god we could sit for days and talk. we never run out of things to say. something always comes up, but losing my first and only love is going to be hard. and my other friends will more than likely try their best to keep it off my mind, and sometimes it might creep away for just a bit. but when i go to sleep, or i daydream, he'll always appear.
honestly i don't want to go on. and if he dies how can i go on? there's alot of things i've had to deal with in my life. my parents doing drugs, my mother abandoning us at a time, my sisters raising me, being homeless at one point. yeah, alot of shit. but out of all that i think this will be the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with in my entire life.
losing my first and only love.
if you ever fall in love, don't lose them. you'll regret it for the rest of your life....... <3chelsey - truth and reconciliation | 
